Thanksgiving Grief

Today, it's been strange.  Grief is strange.

As I drove to work yesterday I was thinking of all of the things I have to be thankful for.  Our friends and family who have supported us though this roller coaster of a year.  The friends and family who have been there for me when I just couldn't hold it together anymore.  My co-workers who knew when I was about to go to pieces, and would cover for me, or hug me. Whatever I needed.

For a roof over our heads, food in the home, and nice cars. Even if mine resembles a golf ball.

Then I thought to myself.  "I'm so thankful for our dogs. I don't know what I'd do without them"  and then it hit me.  Perhaps the biggest support system I had all year, the one who held the most tears, hugs, who made me laugh and smile, and made everything easier is gone. Gone.  Not on a vacation, not visiting other family. Gone.

I spent the whole drive to work practically sobbing.  When I got to the parking lot, I dried my face, sucked it up, and went in. They could tell it been a tough morning, and didn't pry further.

Today, until bedtime I spent most of the day, reminiscing about her.  We spend time these days talking about the differences between her and Trigger. How much of a sensitive Sally he is, how tough she was.  How he chews with his feet, and uses his nose.  How she wouldn't hold anything in her paws and only used her nose for squirrels, bunnies, and hide-n-seek.

I still see her in my head. Being her. I remember the weekend before we lost her.  She was so so happy to get to go visit grandma's house and ride in the car. There was no way she'd let me leave without her.  She loved the drive.  I spent and still do spend a lot of time checking the back seat for her to see what kind of crazy sleeping method she had, or how dramatic she was being about the window being up.

Grief is strange.  One second I'm fine. The next I'm bawling all over again.

I'm learning how to be without her.  Today we let Skyler and Ann's dog, Nova, and Trigger have some interaction.  When Nova would growl at him trying to play, I would remember that Zyera made those exact same sounds to her. And how Zyera learned to be gentle with Nova just as Nova will someday learn to be with Trigger, and how Zyera did with Trigger.

I find myself writing these in moments of grief and saddness. I lay in bed with tears on my face, hoping if I write it all down and get it out I'll sleep better. To an extent that's true.  I look at the calendar to see what the date is and I count the never of days or weeks since we lost her.

I wonder if it would have been easier had We known. Had we been able to plan, say good bye, and let her leave us in peace, and pain free. I also wonder if cremation was the right choice for her. It was what we needed, and still do.

This isn't how I wanted to feel for the holidays.  For the 2nd year in a row it just doesn't feel like the holiday season, which is why, SPOILER ALERT: I have not started on any Christmas gifts...SO GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. ANY IDEAS WOULD BE APPRECIATED.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING. GOBBLE GOBBLE.

Be thankful for what you have, keep your loved ones close and never miss the chance to tell them tell them you love them. Life isn't guaranteed. Tomorrow, is a gift. And those who support and love you in return are meant to make sure you don't go it alone, and have someone to turn to.

Many people have a hard time with the holidays.  If you need help. Ask.  Don't let you consume you.  If you feel like crying? Cry. Sometimes it actually helps.